Sometimes I miss this terribly..

But what can I say?

It is a part of the past.

Much is left behind.



.......

Visit my new blog, though, if you would:
http://the-night-mare.blogspot.com/

My New Blog

I will unveil to you my new blog now. I hesitate, only because I have so little feedback on the issue, to say that it varies greatly from this one. But I think the distinction that exists between the two as of now is passable.

Here it is, all...

http://the-night-mare.blogspot.com/

The End is Near

It is a well-known fact that I do not like ending things. Even if they need to be ended. So this is to be as stupid and useless as anything you could imagine from me..

This blog is to be discontinued.

My blog, this poor blog, has served me very well. It will forever stand as a reminder of a period in my life full of foolish misery that crippled me for years; It was, in fact, a major component of my "recovery" of sorts. But that season has passed. My childhood- well, that part of it, the part that developed towards its end into a cancerous and decidedly premature despair- is over and has been, I realize, for nearly a half of a year.

I can't really explain how the cessation of posting to this blog is necessary. But it is. This blog is who I was...

And I am opening another, very soon, to document the new season of my life and what I may befall within it.

When I have sufficiently planned the new blog I am to open out, I shall post a link on here. I am going to take a new angle on my new blog. I shall no longer be restrained to this good 'ole faithful page that sustained me for more than a year- I love you blog, but I must move on!

A poor vignette

My grandmother's house, I see, is For Sale.

The house where I spent my first six Christmases, easters, and Thanksgivings. Emptied, vacant, only a bit different now then it was when I helped- as a six year old does, carrying only the smallest and lightest boxes into her new manufactured home- her move.

She didn't, she said, want to leave; the house was too large for her to live in alone, and it was in her best interest to move into a smaller, more manageable home. Perhaps there was more- maybe she couldn't stand the absence of my grandfather, whom I hardly can recall, perhaps she never really liked the neighborhood, maybe she just tired of it, and it's incessant slide into poverty.

I feel like telling my grandmother that she can return now, her house awaits her! But the past is where it is, and it cannot be molded, for better or for worse or just for a difference...

Island Earth Days 2009 at Caladesi Island State Park

Yesterday, being the Saturday before Earth day, brought a few different events to the Tampa Bay area. My family and I decided on the closest one to us (and yet still not too close) in Dunedin at (as mentioned in the title) Caledesi Island State Park (the others were located in Largo, Tampa, and St. Petersburg). As last year, it was very fun- Jeff, Ray and I meandered about looking at all the wildlife/recycling/hippie booths, I repulsed everyone with my three tails hanging from my bag and was seen as a very hypocritical vegan, I was tempted to discontinue shaving (more about that later) and... I... HAD CHAI TEA FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND AM NOW QUITE HOOKED (and I believe that I can reach the actual shop that sells the delicious, organic stuff by my county and the neighboring one's public transportation system). I also skipped my first ever rock, which went un-noticed by all but me. Oh well, 'tis the way things work with me.

Today was not as enjoyable as yesterday. In fact, today I am kept only from loneliness by God, and I don't feel so close to Him today.. Alas.. I blame the long ride we had to take into Bradenton, which brings me past all sorts of places that haunt my subconcious mind and depress me so- Tampa, St. Petersburg, Safety Harbor, the Skyway.. It is all nearly too much... I shall not even venture to explain why..... Anyhow, that, along with the fact that I am home alone- when usually Jeff would be here (not saying I desire him to be over incessantly, for I want not to obsess over him- I enjoy his company, but obsession turns things quite sour) and I would, well, not be alone, not by him or my parents or brother.

~~~

I write this section a bit later. I left (though very nervously, for I had just put bread {I'm baking my first loaf of bread!} in the oven) to take a walk around my neighborhood... My neighborhood. Everytime I try to walk through it, I try to think of how I really feel about it.. What it makes me feel like.... Try to create an analogy between it and something else.. And one day I may...

When I arrived back, darkness had fully settled and my brother had arrived back home, where he remains now. I am still awaiting the completion of my bread's baking.

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More later tonight, I am quite certain.

Girls Gone Mild

The book is revealing much to me about the pains- for they are there, at least for most girls- about the expectation and pressure upon girls to be "bitchy," sexually active, "hot," and such. I rejoice that I now have put a face on some more of my problems and have a way to alleviate them- now, if there are any of you out there who oppose what I am to say, you shall surely curse and taunt me- by being more gentle, kind, virtuous, dignified, and respectable in general. That means, just as everyone should (in my opinion), I will stop any cursing that I do (I only say crap- I used "bitch" because that is the best term), dress not only modestly but pretty (I do tire of my somewhat grunge look- often, it's too commonplace-looking.. Though no one dresses so poorly as I), help others more often, and, most importantly, hold my tongue on matters which one does not really have to speak out on (allow me to state that I certainly would speak out if that is what was needed!). I wonder how that will affect my blogging? How can I blog without endlessly complaining- especially about how others affect me?! THE HORROR!

Anyhow, whether you are a girl and believe I am a fool or enlightened, you should take the time to read the book. I'm sure it holds much wisdom for both parties in the fierce debate.

A typical teen-aged complaint.

I shall not complain of emotional issues here; instead I shall state that I have an unusual book- Chocolate Jesus- that I ordered off of Ebay. It really MUST come- I have a project due on FRIDAY! It still has yet to arrive!

Today... Is Good Friday- Happy Good Friday

• Jeff built me a nice 'ole recycled pine flower-raised bed. It is, currently, empty; I must fill it with soil and either potted plants or flowers that I start myself (depends on how patient I am and how far my funds extend.. Agh.. Perhaps I'll have to wait for some flowers to grow here, in peat pots).
• I watched the movie Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, finally. As with most exasperatingly good movies, the ending bugged me to no end... I did enjoy it, though. Johnny Depp stars in so many good movies..
  
• Today, as you may know, is Good Friday; As is my church's tradition we (a small group of about ten of us) carried a 12-foot high wooden cross about a mile down Main Street. This year, the younger kids where not very fair in their dispersal of weight: Sarah, Jeff, and I carried a great deal of the cross's weight when we held up the middle. But never you mind; It was nothing compared to Jesus' humiliating and torturous crucifixion.
  

Today, in downtown New Port Richey... The Hacienda Hotel

I spent a few hours on Main Street of New Port Richey this afternoon. I find it quite odd that though Main Street has played a significant role in many holidays and events all throughout my life, I had yet to meander and appreciate the shops and such that litter the small-town's hub.

Aside from the ever-present half-empty plazas of struggling small businesses that Florida is so renowned for, there is a nice wooden park (Sims park), a peach bridge crossing the Pithlachascotee river, town hall and a (very nice, may I say) library, and- most interesting- the Hacienda hotel, which, reportedly, was a popular hotel for silent movie stars in the 1920s. When I first heard of this, as a child, I, as a child usually does, daydreamed of New Port Richey, only a few years before my birth, being a wildly extravagant get-away for all sorts of celebrities. I was told of Mr. Meighan and his riverside home and assumed that he was just recently passed.. Children, as you know, know little of how time flows before their birth and after it...

Anyhow, I suppose that the Hacienda was, most recently, a home for the mentally deranged or something of that sort. That wasn't too very long ago- I remember seeing them... As a child. I walked to it's gates this afternoon and peered in...

It was so easy to imagine, likely in an inaccurate manner, how it must have appeared in 1920. I saw the old coats of paint that had began to show beneath the newest, but still old, layer. I looked at the broken fountain full of algae-infested water and imagined it actually flowing. I nearly heard the laughter of the well-mannered, well-to-do and famous people congregating on the small balcony or in the main hall.... And I felt a bit sad, for it is just another age that I shall never know and therefore must always look upon with a foolish and very biased longing, ignoring the negatives it must have brought. I believe all humans suffer from this nostalgia; I just don't deserve mine, for I know no age but this current one (which I detest- TV, the Media, fashions, music, technology, AGH).

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I do hope they restore the hotel. It would be very nice to have such an old and mysterious hotel operating in NPR. Apparently, in 2007, New Port Richey voted to expand the hotel; the completion date- or when they will even start, I guess- is not yet determined.
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Apparently, some kids got into the building; here is their tale.

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Someone also made a very accurate model of the building here.

A few annoyances that I shall actually venture to state here

1. My parent's laptop, although fine in most respects, is THE MOST DIFFICULT THING TO COMPLETE MY CHINESE ASSIGNMENTS ON. If one program isn't installed on here, it's another; I have to stop to install all sorts of programs- flash, wordperfect, firefox.. Then the microphone refuses to work.. Dandy..

2. I have been far too irritable lately; I haven't really rose above general gloom or irritation in the past few days. I apologize to all my friends.. I know such moods are not becoming nor necessary, but lately I seem to be constantly drawn into a bitter dislike for the order of the world. This dislike, if not touching you (whoever you be, if you are a friend of mine living in my vicinity) is still, certainly, affecting my actions towards you- and for that I am most sorry as well. I... I shall not mention any more on the subject. Let us just say I feel lonely. And sad because of my contempt.

3. I, currently, feel as if I have done nothing to bring glory to God. To those of you who don't believe, I suppose you may/must feel that my disappointment at my failure is foolish.. But that is exactly why I must live as an example, with the help of Him...

4. Everything is toxic; have you noticed? Aluminum, ingredients in my cosmetics, additives to food, the fluorine in toothpastes, all sorts of things! All of these things, I am forced- or coerced in such a way where to not comply puts me at a disadvantage- to avoid. My question is.. WHY ARE THEY ALLOWED TO EVEN BE IN PRODUCTS? Who was the fool who put safety behind convenience or profit? Agh! I have to scour every green-nazi book and website just to know if my basic needs are poisoning me. I usually find that they are. And I change said basic needs.

5. I.. I need to change; I must pull myself out of my irritable state. I cannot wait for my environment to please me and set forth a favorable condition in which I can be content, for it shall not happen in such a way...

6. (This is not an annoyance, but....) I watched Memoirs of a Geisha last night. I thought it was a very good movie but I found the plot, just as in the book, to be less than touching. That is not how romance or love should be... Ever. That wasn't love and it wasn't beautiful, though in a way the life of a geisha is portrayed, in the movie, to be beautiful although shallow.

The last few days...

Have been both promising and foreboding of doom, kind and malicious, progressive and regressive, patient and hasty... There is at least one area of my life, however, where I have made an overall victory- well, at least the assurance of a victory- in. That is the realm of RElATIONSHIPS.

Like most girls, I dream and whine over the lack of what the media/world portrays as "true love." The desire for love is a driving force behind all I do, just as men long for sex and it drives their actions. Sex, however, is not emotionally scarring for the average guy.. However, the completely skewed view on how relationships should start, continue, and end for girls puts large amounts of pain on us all, whether we realize it or not. We hurt until we desensitize. And then we hurt some more.. Because we no longer feel.

Anyhow, with the help of books such as Techinical Virgin, Sex180, and the bible, I am beginning to comprehend what will work. What works may be as slow as molasses and bland as anything, but it's right- and it will have it's payoff when I get married in so many ways.

Moving on a bit...

My mom, a few days ago, saw the Sex 180 book, angrily picked it up, and demanded "WHAT IS THIS BOOK AND WHY DO I KEEP SEEING IT EVERYWHERE?" (As if the entertainment they subject me to is anything pure- ha! I knew too much far ahead of my time- sitcoms are not for children. They, apparently, are not aware of that... Ugh. Hypocrisy!) I told her to look at the back cover. She read it and put it down, defeated.


Today my two friends (Ray and Sarah) and I went to a small, crappy local beach. The wind was a force to be reckoned with, I tell you; the lengthy walk from where the bus dropped us off to the beach itself was not too pleasant. I gathered some seaweed because an organic book I checked out at the public library said that seaweed was an excellent addition to compost because of it's high content of trace elements.

Now, now.. Now I am not happy. I.. I know not what to do at this moment. It will pass, but will any lesson be learned? agh......................

Cousin, Husband, and Child

My cousin, her husband, and her about one year old child have arrived to stay for a night or two in my (very humble) abode.

I am glad to see that she is an excellent mother to her ADORABLE baby. He's jolly and plump and full of wonder for the things I presented to him: bubbles, books, my old ladybug pull toy... Aw! He's a great little thing.

Invisible Children and the April 25th RESCUE

For those of you who, like me only days ago, do not know what "Invisible Children" are, the term refers to the children in Uganda, Congo, The Central African republic, and Sudan that are abducted by Josep Kony Spelling? (the number one war criminal living) to fight in the Lord's Resistance Army against their will. There are thousands of such children; we, in general, know NOTHING of them! I hadn't the slightest idea that a single man was displacing so many and terrorizing, killing, and maiming children younger than I that he makes kill and maim for him.



Anyhow, the group Invisible Children, started by three young filmmakers, is hosting a publicity stunt on the 25th of April- The Rescue. Those who participate in the Rescue (I wish to be one, but I do not think I can afford the mandatory $15 shirts one must wear at it) will head to different, appointed "camps" where, after being "abducted," they shall wait until two of the three Ms that make the world go 'round (the three Ms are money, moguls, and media, but I.C is only awaiting the media and moguls). They expect that this move will generate a great deal of publicity for the cause- a very just one, a very sad one- and and if you find yourself interested in learning more, go to www.invisiblechildren.com.